The Boss asks Dilbert to reprogram the self-driving car to drive Ted off a bridge. Dilbert says no.
Tip: You can download the DSI, which is the source for these strip descriptions. It's at the downloads page.
Wally says the self-driving car went off a cliff with Ted in it. Dilbert says that was a bug.
Dilbert asks for a raise. The Boss says money can't buy happiness. The Boss says he'll motivate Dilbert to a neutral, zombie-like existence.
The Boss promotes Wally to the position of slow-walker. He gets the assignments that would make the Boss' rivals successful.
The economics of the project have changed. It needs to be shut down, even though all the money so far would be wasted.
Wally's project was failing so he pivoted to a different idea. Later he'll change the name to cover his tracks.
Wally finds a critical bug in the software that would make the product worthless. If he gets a huge raise, he won't tell anyone about it until the Boss sells his stock.
Someone stole the Boss' product idea. Dilbert says the idea would have been obvious to a monkey with a drinking problem.
The Boss says people keep stealing his great ideas. Alice says that's because he only thinks of obvious ideas.
The group needs to be more creative, the Boss says. Also, don't do anything except what he says, otherwise you're fired.
Dilbert needs to wear a harazzmat suit to meet with Tina. She will wear one, too. The suits prevent them from harassing each other.
The Boss is worried about Dilbert's mental health because his ideas are bad. Asok says that maybe his ideas are brilliant but the Boss is too dumb to understand them.
The Boss says all his employees might have mental problems. They all exhibited anger issues when told to work all weekend for no extra pay.
Catbert says the Boss might be the cause of mental problems in his employees. Carol has to take pills before talking with the Boss.
Dogbert confirms the employees have lost their minds because they work for the Boss. But the Boss is sane because he hired Dogbert.
Wally is confident in his financial projections. They're directionally accurate, even though the columns don't add up.
A co-worker says Dilbert's idea is like a pregnant squirrel eating a sandwich.
Wally wants to borrow Dilbert's headphones. Dilbert says no because he doesn't want cooties on his headphones.
Business press called the company leadership a bunch of morons. So their new marketing slogan is "we're not a bunch of morons!"
Dilbert says they should rethink the new marketing slogan. "We're not a bunch of morons" makes it sound like the opposite is true.
The Boss fires Wally as his performance is terrible. Wally says all of the Boss's messages are archived and Wally knows where they are.
Compensation will now be a function of baseline happiness. They won't give money to employees who won't get any happier.
Dilbert made the mistake of talking to a millennial. It sucked all the ambition out of him so he's now a husk of pain and pointlessness.
Dilbert has millennial fever from talking to a millennial. Now he sees his job as a meaningless series of empty tasks.
Carol asks Dilbert to collect money for the Boss's birthday gift. And to order a cake, and a card and a gift.
The Dogbert personality profiles are in. Alice is angry, Wally is lazy, and Dilbert is boring.
Dilbert doesn't know how to use the Dogbert personality test results. The Boss is a forgetful moron who can't keep a secret.
Carol took the Dogbert personality test. She's a disgruntled psychopath with a blinding hatred of authority.